On the stock exchange Apple and Tesla have been surpassed as most valuable companies in the world by Shitwell, the toilet paper corporation. In Washington, protesters gathered on the lawn in front of the white house, leaving tokens of their discomfort on the previously immaculate lawn to remind of the toilet paper crisis. In an afternoon speech, president Trump has announced a national crisis in regard to the lack of wiping material due to the Cofefe virus.
President Trump announced, that people should buy more copies of the New York Times, which works just as well as he has experienced on multiple occasions for different reasons. The New York Times in turn promised to switch to wipe-proof ink to avoid stained bottoms.
In Mexico and Colombia, the oceans and rivers have been contaminated by thousands of tons of cocaine and heroin, dumped as the big cartels adjusting their trade to smuggling toilet paper and hand sanitizer. I was invited to a TV discussion in Medellin, but I couldn’t attend as the airline accepted payment only in toilet paper. (50 rolls and 23 1/2 sheets).
The reason of the sudden tightness was that some people were shitting their pants too much all the time over everything, which increased the consumption of toilet paper dramatically, which in turn broke the supply lines and created a black market with exorbitant prices and fantasies like about all things you can’t have.
In Brooklyn, an angry crowd of unwiped protesters held up a Shitwell truck full of toilet paper, gagged the driver with the same, precious stuff, and looted its load.
The notable restroom influencer S. Hitereens remarked that the toilet paper craze reminded him of the tulip mania in the 17th century, even though not by smell.
The fashion industry has declared toilet paper the fad of the month, and the designer Cate Defe has introduced a new shitty streetwear line whose fabric has the look and feel to toilet paper, on which customizable patterns would appear depending on the owner’s wiping habits.
Publishers remembered that books had been printed on rolls in ancient times and released the first book in the new toilet paper roll format as a part of their new read-and-wipe editions.
Rapper NoS Hit warbles about the tough life of gangs in toilet paper wars and digestive emergencies. Sing Song Writer Willie Spoilish squeals about her tough childhood without toilet paper, and how she and her brother created it themselves in her bedroom out of material from bad, white men like Beethoven, Schubert, and Liszt.
In the reality TV series “Shitting it up with the BingoBongos” , the non-acting lead shows not her face on magazine covers, but the body part that is more essential to her and toilet paper.
It’s been a cultural shift, and like all cultural shifts and value changes you have to get used to the smell. So hold your nose, keep your cool, and spring will cover it all up with flowers, as if it all had never happened, and you’ll wake up asking: “What was that?”